Day 6.

 I often find myself looking for old clothing or blankets that belong to Chase. My husband got rid of everything but sometimes I pray that I can find something that smells like him. I know it’s not good for me but I can’t help it. 

Day 5.

I often wonder what life would be like if Chase was still here. Would he be walking by now, how many teeth would he have, would he be saying momma and dada. Life is crazy how things can happen so fast. No matter how many times I ask God why, I will never get a legit answer from him. There is time I just want to get on my blog and write all day, but I can't. Depression is real and the thoughts of my baby being gone constantly run through my mind. Life is different, will I ever accept it you ask, maybe in the future but not right now. My nights are long, my mind never stops wondering. Chase, please know momma loves you and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I hope you can forgive me one day and please know I did everything I thought was right to help you, if I could just go back in time and redo things over again I will.

Day 4.

 Last night I had a dream about Chase. I was holding him and he was so happy to see me, he kept giving me a hug and giving me kisses. If only if it was real that would’ve been the perfect dream come true.

Day 3.

 Have you ever heard the saying " When you go looking for something you will get what you're looking for".  A few weeks ago, I put in a request to get a copy of Chase autopsy. I knew what I was up against, and I wish I would've never sent that request. Chase had regular pneumonia and if I would've known this at the time, he would still be alive. Pneumonia never came to my mind; I just knew he had a regular cold. I wish the doctors would've paid a little more attention, instead they kept brushing me off saying it was a cold. I was his voice, but I wasn't loud enough. From one mother to another, if you feel something is wrong with your babies, please be their voice. We are supposed to trust doctors because they have the degree in medicine, but some doctors will make you think you are crazy; you're not crazy you are a MOTHER.

Day 2.

 Today I went to the daycare to pick up Toots and normally the babies are in the back, but today they were in the front. I touched this baby hand because she reached out to me. I haven't touched a baby since Chase passed, I instantly began crying. Lord knows I miss my baby so much. I'll do anything to hold and see him again. The only thing that runs through my mind constantly is: Why my baby? Why me? I will never get the answer no matter how badly I want it. I just know I love and miss my baby.

Day 1.

When someone dies, you think why me; why are people not pay attention to me grieving. It's crazy how the world still goes on like nothing happened. That's when you have to take control and allow yourself to feel ever emotional during grief. Cry and scream if you have to, don't let it ball up if you do eventually it will turn to anger. We have to understand they are never coming back, we can negotiate all day long and beg God to bring him/her back but it wont happen. Live through your pain so you can come out stronger than before.

Pseudomonas Pneumonia

You're asking what Pseudomonas Pneumonia is: it spread through improper hygiene, such as uncleaned hands of healthcare workers or contaminated medical equipment that wasn't fully sterilized.